Tuesday, April 24, 2012

It's hard to see through bullshit when it's up above your eyes

I have an unbelievable stress headache today. I'm surrounded by too much noise and static and emotions and I feel like it's making me crazy. 

My grandmother's sister passed away yesterday. She was 90 and had dementia and was pretty sick anyway. She broke a hip about three weeks ago and was recovery pretty well from surgery. Then last week she broke the other hip a few days ago. It wasn't a surprise, and I knew before I picked up the phone that her daughter was calling to tell me she'd died. The nice part is that I don't have to dread that phone call anymore. The shitty part was that once again, I had to give someone awful news. It always comes to me.

Sometimes I get so tired of having to be the balance for everyone else. I give and give and give and then it just leaves me tired and upset. The fucked up part is that when people die, I don't really cry much. I do, usually only briefly and only once, and that's it. Then everyone around me if offended because I'm not sad. I AM sad, I just don't cry. Not over death, anyway. This fact has left me in charge of calling everyone. Well, that and the fact that my grandmother can't hear. 

My sleep schedule is completely fucked up right now. Husband left for work before 3 yesterday and I heard him go out so that was the end of my sleep for that night. This morning I woke up before 5. On the up side, I didn't wake up from nightmares. Husband worked overnight last night, and while I don't usually like not having him there, I *did* get to have all the blankets and the space and he doesn't get to gripe about me moving around too much and stealing the blankets and taking all of his space. Break even, yeah?

Grandmother and my aunt are leaving for Kansas early this morning. Funeral is tomorrow. I am NOT going, because being surrounded by crying people freaks me out. Also, Son has school and I have projects to work on. There are no trips to Denver this week, so I don't have to rush around constantly trying to keep people moving so we can get where we have to be on time. 

I can tell I'm over-stressed, because I was so happy that my Avalanche cup was clean this morning that I almost cried. Or my obsession with cups is getting way out of control. 

I'm done rambling now. 

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