Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Guttersnipe Finishing School

In the manner of full disclosure, the title of this post was taken from the title of a Red Meat comic strip by the same name. If you're easily offended, please don't click either link. However, if you have a fucked up sense of humor like I do, go and enjoy.

Also in the manner of full disclosure, I've tried really hard NOT to write this post, but it's something that's been bothering me for a long time. Before you accuse me of "hating", I consider myself neither completely atrocious nor astoundingly beautiful. I'm average, and I'm okay with that.

Along those same lines, I do not condone or appreciate any negative actions toward any person, male or female. I was brutally raped in my high school gym class and when I reported it, the administration at my school pointedly told me it wouldn't be reported to law enforcement because he (the guy who assaulted me) was a star member of the basketball team and they NEEDED him to stay around.

I had a very abusive boyfriend at one point who went so far as to break my jaw. That said, I do not hate men, so don't assume that I do. In fact, I am happily married and I have four lovely kids. I just had to go through a living hell to appreciate a good thing when it came along.

 Okay! Onward to the point!


 Women, PLEASE stop acting like sluts and getting offended when people accuse you of being a slut! If you wear a shirt that's cut so low we can see everything except your nipples and you sprinkle glitter all over those puppies, you have no right to be pissed off when people stare or when you're called "trashy". If your shorts leave half of your ass cheeks showing, you've earned the title. If your whole life revolves around having other people think about how beautiful and sexy you are, something in your life has gone terribly wrong.

 This means to stop taking pictures of yourself mostly naked, stretched in some awkward and unnatural position and posting said pictures all over the internet. Don't take pictures of yourself in your bikini in front of your bathroom mirror (especially not while you're sitting on the toilet dropping a number two). We've all seen those pictures. That mirror doesn't just reflect your body. It shows the toilet. It shows your shower that you haven't cleaned in eight months. It shows your panties down around your ankles. The picture makes you look slutty. And STUPID. More awkward photo examples are of you rolling around in a "fit of ecstasy" on your bedroom carpet. Really? We can tell it's your bedroom carpet. You don't seem to know what a vacuum is. Nice dresser. Oh, now you're draped casually over that baby grand piano? Classy. I feel bad for the piano. Also, we've all seen the pictures of drunk girls making out on top of the keg. I bet their mothers are proud.

 You want men to stop treating you like a piece of meat, then stop objectifying yourself as something just to fulfill their sexual desires. That "dumb girl" personality isn't going to work in your favor when you grow old and your beauty fades. If you want that guy to call you back, you'd better appeal to more than just his penis. Can you even hold a conversation that extends beyond "Oh my God, I was so drunk one time that I..." If not, please go to the library or go watch the news. Learn something. If a guy doesn't want you to be halfway intelligent, then he probably isn't really a guy that you want.

If he DOES eventually take you home to meet his mother, PUT SOME CLOTHES ON. Wear a shirt that doesn't have your breasts shoved up under your throat. Wear nice shorts that actually cover your ass. Be polite. Eventually, your looks WILL fade. You'd better hope you have something to balance out the loss. Young girls that are clueless are cute to some people. Old women who are clueless aren't cute to anyone. Being self-absorbed and vapid won't work in your favor forever. You'll also need an attitude change too, most likely, because other people are going to get tired of listening to you talk about yourself.

Examples of beautiful but dumb? Miss South Carolina 2007. Remember her? "And the Iraq". Miss Alabama 1994. Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." You lost some IQ points reading that. Sorry. Also, there's a singer. I won't say her name, but she's all about dressing trashy and her squealing high voice. She said "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff."

 Currently, there are huge arguments between all the political parties about who should make decisions about a woman's body. Seriously? The woman. But a surprising number of women don't seem to understand that if you want other people to respect you, you have to respect yourself first. Show some class. I'm not saying you have to walk around in a burka (no offense to my lovely Muslim friends) or wear a gunny sack tied with a rope. But you need to cover up. Guys like it when you leave a little to the imagination. Trust me, they do. Ask them. They also like a woman who can hold a conversation. If he wants you because you're naked, that's the only reason he wants you.

 If this offends you, good. Maybe you'll re-think some of your choices. Maybe someday when you have kids, you won't let your six-year-old wear pants that have "juicy" written across the butt. Maybe you'll stop worrying about spending all your time at the tanning salon so everyone can see your awesome sexy tan lines. You're orange, anyway. Everyone knows you fake and bake.

Maybe you'll think about how you'd feel if it was your daughter, or sister, or MOTHER dressed like that. If this reminds you of someone you know and you haven't been sure how to tell them, just send them a link with the URL in it.


 If you feel like getting your critic on, please feel free. If you agree, feel free to let me know. I can take whatever you can dish out. I stand by what I've said. Women in America need to take responsibility for the way they're perceived. That's a fact.

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