Fighting the noise with louder noise

Lately I feel like I can never get my head straight. I can't focus. Everything is distracting and it's making me crazy. Three nights in a row now I've been awake in the middle of the night for no reason. I hate that. So I've spent all my time listening to the same music over and over on itunes and wishing I could figure shit out.

I woke up shortly after 2 this morning and laid there for a long time before I got up. Husband woke up and texted me that I should try to sleep (Yes, we text each other across the house. Don't hate.) I went and laid down for a while and then things started to get weird. 

I suddenly felt like I was drunk or I'd just stepped off of rough seas onto dry land. I was plainly aware of everything around me and I was awake, but not entirely. The swimming in my head stopped and I suddenly got four images that were crystal clear like I was right there looking at the objects themselves, only everything around the edges was blurred out like an old photograph.

The first was the front left leg and the cushions of an old Victorian couch, but seen from the viewpoint like I was crawling on my hands and knees next to it. The second was what appeared to be a 70's era armchair. It was upholstered in awful red orange fabric. The third was an end table. It had a flower vase / pitcher thing or a framed picture on it, but I couldn't really tell what it was. I just know there was something there. The last was of a very old, worn piece of paper. It was long one of those Wanted Posters you see in western movies, very brown and frayed on the sides and it appeared to have been unrolled to be hung up. It said "Emily Trahehill". Nothing else. 

I'm not sure what to make of it. I went back to sleep shortly thereafter, but those images are still as clear as when I first saw them. I woke up with an insane, nagging need to find out who Emily Trahehill is, but there doesn't appear to be such a person. There are a few towns called "Tradehill", but I'm not even gonna go there. First off, I'll sound like a nutcase if I start asking random girls named Emily in towns named Tradehill if they know anything about an old couch or an armchair. MORE crazy if I tell them I dreamed it. 

So yeah. That's what I got. I need to go force myself to work on some projects, but I'd rather waste all my time playing Robot Unicorn Attack and not thinking about all the shit I'm SUPPOSED to be doing. 

It's hard to see through bullshit when it's up above your eyes

I have an unbelievable stress headache today. I'm surrounded by too much noise and static and emotions and I feel like it's making me crazy. 

My grandmother's sister passed away yesterday. She was 90 and had dementia and was pretty sick anyway. She broke a hip about three weeks ago and was recovery pretty well from surgery. Then last week she broke the other hip a few days ago. It wasn't a surprise, and I knew before I picked up the phone that her daughter was calling to tell me she'd died. The nice part is that I don't have to dread that phone call anymore. The shitty part was that once again, I had to give someone awful news. It always comes to me.

Sometimes I get so tired of having to be the balance for everyone else. I give and give and give and then it just leaves me tired and upset. The fucked up part is that when people die, I don't really cry much. I do, usually only briefly and only once, and that's it. Then everyone around me if offended because I'm not sad. I AM sad, I just don't cry. Not over death, anyway. This fact has left me in charge of calling everyone. Well, that and the fact that my grandmother can't hear. 

My sleep schedule is completely fucked up right now. Husband left for work before 3 yesterday and I heard him go out so that was the end of my sleep for that night. This morning I woke up before 5. On the up side, I didn't wake up from nightmares. Husband worked overnight last night, and while I don't usually like not having him there, I *did* get to have all the blankets and the space and he doesn't get to gripe about me moving around too much and stealing the blankets and taking all of his space. Break even, yeah?

Grandmother and my aunt are leaving for Kansas early this morning. Funeral is tomorrow. I am NOT going, because being surrounded by crying people freaks me out. Also, Son has school and I have projects to work on. There are no trips to Denver this week, so I don't have to rush around constantly trying to keep people moving so we can get where we have to be on time. 

I can tell I'm over-stressed, because I was so happy that my Avalanche cup was clean this morning that I almost cried. Or my obsession with cups is getting way out of control. 

I'm done rambling now. 

Lullaby

Once in a while something happens that stirs up a bunch of memories and regrets and "could have, should have, would have"... But it doesn't matter, I still didn't. So here it is. All the things I should have said, meant to say, wanted to say, and didn't.

"Lullaby" by Nickelback

Well, I know the feeling
Of finding yourself stuck out on the ledge
And there ain't no healing
From cutting yourself with the jagged edge
I'm telling you that, it's never that bad
Take it from someone who's been where you're at
Laid out on the floor
And you're not sure you can take this anymore

So just give it one more try to a lullaby
And turn this up on the radio
If you can hear me now
I'm reaching out
To let you know that you're not alone
And if you can't tell,
I'm scared as hell
'Cause I can't get you on the telephone
So just close your eyes
Oh, honey here comes a lullaby
Your very own lullaby

Please let me take you
Out of the darkness and into the light
'Cause I have faith in you
That you're gonna make it through another night
Stop thinking about the easy way out
There's no need to go and blow the candle out
Because you're not done
You're far too young
And the best is yet to come

So just give it one more try to a lullaby
And turn this up on the radio
If you can hear me now
I'm reaching out
To let you know that you're not alone
And if you can't tell,
I'm scared as hell
'Cause I can't get you on the telephone
So just close your eyes
Oh, honey here comes a lullaby
Your very own lullaby

Well, everybody's hit the bottom
Everybody's been forgotten
When everybody's tired of being alone
Yeah, everybody's been abandoned
And left a little empty handed
So if you're out there barely hanging on...

Just give it one more try to a lullaby
And turn this up on the radio
If you can hear me now
I'm reaching out
To let you know that you're not alone
And if you can't tell,
I'm scared as hell
'Cause I can't get you on the telephone
So just close your eyes
Oh, honey here comes a lullaby
Your very own lullaby
Oh, honey here comes a lullaby
Your very own lullaby

Hunka hunka bacon?

Okay, so there hasn't been a post in a while. I don't have much to talk about now as I've spent most of my time recently cleaning out and planting the gardens. Also, I have a brutal ear infection at the moment. So I'll leave you with a picture to ponder, or have nightmares over, or whatever.

Guttersnipe Finishing School

In the manner of full disclosure, the title of this post was taken from the title of a Red Meat comic strip by the same name. If you're easily offended, please don't click either link. However, if you have a fucked up sense of humor like I do, go and enjoy.

Also in the manner of full disclosure, I've tried really hard NOT to write this post, but it's something that's been bothering me for a long time. Before you accuse me of "hating", I consider myself neither completely atrocious nor astoundingly beautiful. I'm average, and I'm okay with that.

Along those same lines, I do not condone or appreciate any negative actions toward any person, male or female. I was brutally raped in my high school gym class and when I reported it, the administration at my school pointedly told me it wouldn't be reported to law enforcement because he (the guy who assaulted me) was a star member of the basketball team and they NEEDED him to stay around.

I had a very abusive boyfriend at one point who went so far as to break my jaw. That said, I do not hate men, so don't assume that I do. In fact, I am happily married and I have four lovely kids. I just had to go through a living hell to appreciate a good thing when it came along.

 Okay! Onward to the point!

***

 Women, PLEASE stop acting like sluts and getting offended when people accuse you of being a slut! If you wear a shirt that's cut so low we can see everything except your nipples and you sprinkle glitter all over those puppies, you have no right to be pissed off when people stare or when you're called "trashy". If your shorts leave half of your ass cheeks showing, you've earned the title. If your whole life revolves around having other people think about how beautiful and sexy you are, something in your life has gone terribly wrong.

 This means to stop taking pictures of yourself mostly naked, stretched in some awkward and unnatural position and posting said pictures all over the internet. Don't take pictures of yourself in your bikini in front of your bathroom mirror (especially not while you're sitting on the toilet dropping a number two). We've all seen those pictures. That mirror doesn't just reflect your body. It shows the toilet. It shows your shower that you haven't cleaned in eight months. It shows your panties down around your ankles. The picture makes you look slutty. And STUPID. More awkward photo examples are of you rolling around in a "fit of ecstasy" on your bedroom carpet. Really? We can tell it's your bedroom carpet. You don't seem to know what a vacuum is. Nice dresser. Oh, now you're draped casually over that baby grand piano? Classy. I feel bad for the piano. Also, we've all seen the pictures of drunk girls making out on top of the keg. I bet their mothers are proud.

 You want men to stop treating you like a piece of meat, then stop objectifying yourself as something just to fulfill their sexual desires. That "dumb girl" personality isn't going to work in your favor when you grow old and your beauty fades. If you want that guy to call you back, you'd better appeal to more than just his penis. Can you even hold a conversation that extends beyond "Oh my God, I was so drunk one time that I..." If not, please go to the library or go watch the news. Learn something. If a guy doesn't want you to be halfway intelligent, then he probably isn't really a guy that you want.

If he DOES eventually take you home to meet his mother, PUT SOME CLOTHES ON. Wear a shirt that doesn't have your breasts shoved up under your throat. Wear nice shorts that actually cover your ass. Be polite. Eventually, your looks WILL fade. You'd better hope you have something to balance out the loss. Young girls that are clueless are cute to some people. Old women who are clueless aren't cute to anyone. Being self-absorbed and vapid won't work in your favor forever. You'll also need an attitude change too, most likely, because other people are going to get tired of listening to you talk about yourself.

Examples of beautiful but dumb? Miss South Carolina 2007. Remember her? "And the Iraq". Miss Alabama 1994. Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." You lost some IQ points reading that. Sorry. Also, there's a singer. I won't say her name, but she's all about dressing trashy and her squealing high voice. She said "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff."

 Currently, there are huge arguments between all the political parties about who should make decisions about a woman's body. Seriously? The woman. But a surprising number of women don't seem to understand that if you want other people to respect you, you have to respect yourself first. Show some class. I'm not saying you have to walk around in a burka (no offense to my lovely Muslim friends) or wear a gunny sack tied with a rope. But you need to cover up. Guys like it when you leave a little to the imagination. Trust me, they do. Ask them. They also like a woman who can hold a conversation. If he wants you because you're naked, that's the only reason he wants you.

 If this offends you, good. Maybe you'll re-think some of your choices. Maybe someday when you have kids, you won't let your six-year-old wear pants that have "juicy" written across the butt. Maybe you'll stop worrying about spending all your time at the tanning salon so everyone can see your awesome sexy tan lines. You're orange, anyway. Everyone knows you fake and bake.

Maybe you'll think about how you'd feel if it was your daughter, or sister, or MOTHER dressed like that. If this reminds you of someone you know and you haven't been sure how to tell them, just send them a link with the URL in it.

 ***

 If you feel like getting your critic on, please feel free. If you agree, feel free to let me know. I can take whatever you can dish out. I stand by what I've said. Women in America need to take responsibility for the way they're perceived. That's a fact.

Life's a Garden- Dig It!

Husband and I spent all day on Sunday working in the garden. Planting flower bulbs and pulling weeds. He and Son took out the awful rock border and we replaced it with trapezoidal stones to make it even and pretty and more effective at keeping the grass out. There are tons of weeds still, but I clipped dead parts off of the rose bushes and the old irises and lilies and dug up lots of tiny rocks. We took the weed suppression tarp out of the garden on the west side of the driveway and will be planting more stuff pretty soon. I took some "before" pictures so that after we work ourselves to death, we can look back and be reminded that it was (hopefully) worth it. Last year we found 31(!) rose bushes in the gardens. Some of them are going to have to go.

This is the garden on the front east side of the house. It has a large majority of the rose bushes in it, some daylilies next to the bench on both sides (both of which are BADLY in need of dividing), a couple non-tropical hibiscus bushes, some Gaillardia that hasn't done much yet, something that I suspect is a patch of iris bulbs (that also really badly needs to be divided), some random plants that I can't identify.... Lots of weeds. LOTS. I pulled up about 6 buckets full of weeds just from the area where the edging stones are all ready down.

This shows the little walkway that leads from our driveway to the front porch. I live in suburbia, so most people don't use their front doors for anything, we all enter and exit through attached garages. In the section in the back, we have daffodils starting to come up. In the barren, depressing strip in the front are some newly-planted lily bulbs and eventually maybe some pansies. We had pansies there last year and they were strong and healthy and beautiful all the way through July.

Here's the garden on the front west side of the house. Last night we took out the weed-suppressant tarp. I have a couple tea roses planted that I put in last year. On Sunday I put in some Red Hot Poker in the front. I haven't decided what else will go in yet, because it depends on how much heat everything can withstand because that section is in the sun ALL DAY. The plant in the black bucket thing is a blueberry bush. Don't know yet where we're going to put it, as they get pretty big. The bird bath may or may not stay there, depending on what I finally decide to plant. The bench used to be in the garden on the other side, with another one that's now out in the backyard, but it was too crowded and asymmetrical, so we moved them last spring.

Here's a cherry tree. It's in front of the west garden, but hasn't been planted or staked yet. We bought it impulsively on Sunday night and will plant it this weekend.

This shows another cherry tree on the east side. We bought the cherry trees for the blossoms, but if we get cherries, then that's a bonus. Both trees are different kinds of sweet cherries.

This is The Circle of Sketchiness. The previous owners had a trampoline there, and they didn't care for aesthetics (not surprising as it's been two years and they STILL haven't put in a change of address, but that's a complaint for another day). Right now it's weeds and boards and treachery. The bug spraying guy is a little leery of it and always sprays it extra carefully. I hate it. I want to eventually put in two tiers of raised flower beds. This is where I plan to put all my butterfly attractant bushes and flowers. After Husband cleans out the scary stuff.

This is the view from the top. This whole area was poorly planned, and the hill down to the yard is insanely steep. I want to put in stairs. Husband wants a more gradual ramp. The compromise is that he puts them side by side, so I'm conceding the stairs because side by side will be ugly. Also, this whole area is some kind of weird mud that slides down and makes huge rivets every time it rains. There's also someone's dog buried right back behind where I was standing to take this picture. Not a problem, just kinda weird that we had to discover it after we moved in.

Here's the view from the back yard into the side rose garden. There used to be a white plastic picket fence that was all crooked across it and a rose arbor in the middle, but the wind destroyed it a couple months ago. There are LOTS of long stemmed rose varieties in here, and I really like them. They get huge blooms on them.

This is taken from where the rose arbor used to be, looking up toward the front of the house. The trees with the white blooms are pear trees. There used to be some sketchy thorn bush trees something or others up in the tiered levels. They were scraggly and ugly. So Husband took them out. We still haven't cut them up and thrown them away yet, as you can see. I don't know what all the random greenery is that's growing in the rocks. This garden is a thistle haven, too. We're going to put veggies in it. Lots of sun but mostly shaded late in the day when it gets blistering hot.

Here's a more straight-on view of the rose garden, looking up. It's a mess. I'm reluctant to start on it for fear I'll never be able to get it under control. So there we have it. I have grand plans for all of it. Now all I'm lacking is time and energy and lots of money. It will take a few years, but I will make it beautiful!