Monday, May 13, 2013

At the Bottom of a Deep, Dark Hole

It's come to the point that I need to admit that I have completely lost control of every aspect of my life. I feel like I'm at the bottom of a pit and every day that passes the escape grows farther and farther away. Every inch of my house is a disaster. My yard is a mess of epic proportions that I may never be able to right. My son is in a downward spiral and I can't figure out how to help him.

I get so tired of cleaning this entire house just to turn around and find toys and trash all over the floor and papers and shit stacked everywhere. I never can catch up with the dishes. There are always more things that need scrubbed or wiped down or thrown out or picked up or filed or shredded or...

My yard is a special kind of white-trash disaster area that I'm completely ashamed of. The spot we had the pool in last year never recovered. The dogs have rolled in the grass so much that whole sections of the yard have no grass at all. They've dug holes everywhere. Between them and the kids all the landscaping rocks cover the entire yard. We have so much dog crap to pick up that there really isn't much room for the kids to play. My vegetable garden is completely overrun with weeds and has a huge pile of dirt that we started to move last year and left and... Just thinking about all of this makes me want to cry.

Son is falling so far behind in math that I worry he'll never catch up. I think he may be dyslexic because he always has letters and numbers out of order. His ability to read seems to be declining. He refuses to do any of his chores, he blatantly disobeys us, he's grounded and yet continues to do exactly what he shouldn't even when he knows it will get him into more trouble. When I talk to him about anything he gives me a blank stare like he's looking at a wall.

The longer I take to get things back together, the more depressed I become. The more depressed I become, the less I am able to do anything about this situation. I'm completely lost and I have no idea where to turn.

I. Hate. Everything.

No comments: